


your afterimage is burned into the back of my eyes

by joltik



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Character Death, F/F, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Black Eagles Route, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Black Eagles Route Spoilers, Hurt No Comfort, Post-Canon, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-18 03:00:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21970573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joltik/pseuds/joltik
Summary: Wyvern Moon, day 23, 1186My teacher, my Byleth,I know it’s selfish of me but.I just want you to come home. Safe.---Byleth goes away on a mission against Those Who Slither, and Edelgard worries about her.
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 9
Kudos: 82





	your afterimage is burned into the back of my eyes

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry

“So. You’re leaving tomorrow, then.”

“Yes, we’re leaving at dawn.”

Edelgard frowns. “You know I don’t like this.”

“To be honest, I don’t like it either, but it’s the best chance we have.”

“I know that, of course, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Is there no way I can at least convince you to bring more soldiers?”

“Too risky. The mission’s only gonna work if we’re stealthy about it; bringing too many people ruins that."

She sighs. “I know that, as well. I just...I have a bad feeling about all of this, and I worry. There are few things I’m afraid of, but I just...”

Her wife says nothing but comes to her side, gently takes her hand in hers, and waits patiently as Edelgard tries to put words to her fears.

Edelgard takes her hand into hers and traces her ring finger reverently. “Byleth, I...You have to understand. I’ve already lost you once, for five years, and when that happened...at first, I was unmoored. It took me a long time to recover from that, and it still affected me to the day when you miraculously came back to us. Then, when we fought the Immaculate One...I was so afraid that you’d died, until I heard your heart beating.

“I don’t want to lose you again.”

“You won’t.” Byleth lifts Edelgard’s hand, placing a delicate kiss on the back of it. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen on this mission, but I promise I’ll always come back to you, El. No matter what.”

“Then I will try to have faith in that, my love.”

* * *

They had married in a small, quiet ceremony shortly after the end of the war.

It was hardly the royal tradition, of course, but they hadn’t exactly had the time for anything more elaborate before beginning their campaign against Those Who Slither, and apart from that, it had seemed more suited to Byleth’s comfort levels. It was hardly the first time the two of them had bucked tradition, after all.

In the moons since, fighting Those Who Slither has been...frustrating. As satisfying as it would be to launch a direct offensive against them, they have had to show far more caution in their approach. It’s too soon after the war for their military to be back at full force, after all, as well as the damage it would do to civilian morale—both going to war again this soon and the knowledge of their enemy’s existence in the first place—and there’s still too much that they don’t know about their enemy. They still haven’t managed to track down their main stronghold, after all, and there’s also the weapon that they had used on Arianrhod to consider—if something like that were to be launched at Enbarr, for instance, or any other critical locations, the effects would be devastating. So thus far, it has been a war of subterfuge, of espionage, of feigning diplomacy through gritted teeth and forced smiles. It all feels hardly any different from her dealings with them since childhood, and it’s galling.

Byleth’s mission, if successful, should begin to change the tides. It’s also horribly risky, a fact that Edelgard cannot easily put out of her mind. The only consolation is that if everything goes according to plan, it should be a short mission, lasting no more than about a moon—meaning that it should be over quickly and Byleth can come home to her soon.

Edelgard attempts to maintain her normal routine to the best of her abilities. The Empire stops for no one, after all, no matter how empty her bed feels, no matter how cold she feels without the touch of her wife. She’s good at going through the motions, maintaining the facade of normalcy, no matter the dull twists of anxiety in her heart; this is, after all, the role she was made for, and she’s very good at wearing a mask. Her day-to-day life shifts into a monotonous blur of meetings and bureaucracy, the skeletal framework of an empire without any of the heart.

In her free time, she finds herself composing letters to Byleth, letters she knows she can’t actually send for fear of compromising her mission. But it dulls the pain of her absence, and so she writes.

> _Verdant Rain Moon, day 9, 1186._
> 
> _My beloved teacher,_
> 
> _I know it has been barely two weeks since your departure, but not a day goes by in which I don’t feel the pain of your absence. It’s sentimental of me, I know, and not suited to my status, but you have long since unveiled this weakness in me, and it is a weakness I hardly find myself minding as long as it’s you._
> 
> _You will be pleased to know that the flowers you planted so carefully in the greenhouse are flourishing quite nicely. I continue to have something of a brown thumb, unfortunately, but Bernadetta has come up from Varley to visit, and she has been tending to them in your absence._
> 
> _I wait, ever patiently, for your safe return, and I long for the day when I see your face once again._
> 
> _Forever yours, as you are mine,_
> 
> _Edelgard von Hresvelg_

* * *

It’s been a while since she’s been plagued by the nightmares that used to torment her. They didn’t go away immediately, as soon as she started sharing her bed with Byleth, but her presence was an immense comfort, and they had gradually diminished until they stopped altogether. Thankfully, they don’t return in her absence, but the dreams she does have…

_The soft light of twilight streams in through the narrowly parted curtains, casting a soft, ethereal glow on her lover’s bare skin. She is truly, truly beautiful like this, Edelgard thinks from where she lies, head resting on Byleth’s chest. She feels satisfied, sleepy, and very much in love with the woman underneath her._

_Byleth chuckles, the sounds reverberating through her sternum. “You really love my breasts, huh, El?” she says, her voice bright with mirth._

_“That’s not—well, yes, I do, but. I like...hearing your heartbeat. It’s comforting.”_

_Byleth makes a soft noise of understanding._

_“Your heartbeat...hearing it anchors me. Reminds me of what we fought for. What we’re still fighting for.”_

_Byleth wraps her arms around her, pulls her closer. “You can listen to my heartbeat whenever you want. Because it beats for you.”_

* * *

> _Verdant Rain Moon, day 26, 1186._
> 
> _To Byleth, my love,_
> 
> _Every day that you are gone, I miss your touch. Not in a base, carnal way (although that applies too, I suppose), but I miss...being close to you. Next to you. With you, in a way that I never imagined being with another person, being as comfortable with another person’s touch as I am my own. Your touch, freely given, more than I ever could have imagined wanting and all that I wasn’t aware I needed._
> 
> _I miss your heartbeat. Falling asleep to it, waking up to it, knowing that it means another day in which you’re still alive. I just—_

She stops writing, puts the letter away in her desk.

* * *

She thinks a lot, in Byleth’s absence, about Byleth’s eyes. They are beautiful, shining pools of teal, the only pools in this world that she would not, does not mind drowning in. Back before, when Byleth had been less expressive, her eyes revealed more than most people seemed to notice. The way they shone when she was interested, the slight narrowing when she concentrated, the far-off look whenever she was lost in thought. 

She misses those eyes. Misses her.

Toward the end of the first moon of Byleth’s absence, the vague threads of unease she has been feeling over the situation come together into something...more. A sense of apprehension, or a premonition. She’s never been one to put much stock into superstitious beliefs or any one person’s intuition, her own included, but she can’t shake the feeling that...something’s wrong.

A feeling that continues to grow, glacier-slow but steady, as the moon passes and the days, weeks pass on by. Until two moons pass, then three…

She starts many letters to Byleth, few of which make it past a few words.

> _Horsebow Moon, day 3, 1186_
> 
> _Byleth, my heart and soul,_
> 
> _~~It has been~~_ _~~I miss~~_ _~~I think about you daily, my love, and I—~~_

She sighs, crumples up the letter, and throws it away.

> _Horsebow Moon, day 7, 1186_
> 
> _My beloved wife,_
> 
> _Petra’s and Dorothea’s birthdays are this month, you know. Petra’s is today, in fact,_ _although when you see this_ _They’re still in Brigid, of course, but I mailed their presents already. I’m sure they miss you, and—_

  


> _Horsebow Moon, day 19, 1186_
> 
> _Darling Byleth,_
> 
> _We are in the midst of the harvest, and—_  
> 

> _Wyvern Moon, day 23, 1186_
> 
> _My teacher, my Byleth,_
> 
> _I know it’s selfish of me but._
> 
> _I just want you to come home. Safe._

Edelgard drops the letter to the floor, holds her head in her hands, and wishes for once that there was any divine being she believed in and trusted to bring Byleth home to her.

* * *

It’s in early Red Wolf Moon on a chilly evening, with a dreary gray sky and a biting wind, when Byleth returns.

Despite being the empress, she somehow manages to show up at the castle without any notice or fanfare, which is...characteristic of her, in a way. Her clothes are covered in all manner of blood and dirt, but only propriety and fear that she may be injured prevent Edelgard from immediately embracing her.

“Byleth...I am...so, so very relieved to see you. Deeply, immeasurably so,” Edelgard says, holding back the tears pricking the corners of her eyes by a thread. “Are you all right? Are you injured?”

“No, I’m fine, just...really tired. But I’m fine.”

“Then it is a great relief to me that you are unharmed. Here, let’s get inside from the cold...Are you up for a debriefing?”

Byleth nods. “I should be.”

They head to an inner chamber for some privacy. “Do you want some tea, my love?” Edelgard says, pouring herself a cup.

“No, thank you,” Byleth says, sitting down.

“Oh,” Edelgard says in mild surprise, but then, Byleth had said she was tired. “All right, then. To business, I suppose: how was the mission?”

Byleth looks away. “To be honest, it was pretty much a complete failure.”

“How so?”

“Everything was going as planned until we got into the mountains...they must’ve figured out our plan somehow because there was an ambush waiting for us.”

“Oh,” Edelgard says, a soft sound of dismay.

“I think about half of the battalion was wiped out that first day, and the next few months were the rest of us looking for places to hide in unfamiliar territory while trying to work our way back as the enemy slowly picked us off. All of the other soldiers...they didn’t make it, El.”

“That all sounds...deeply harrowing, and it makes me ever more grateful that you made it back to me, my love.” Edelgard leans in to embrace her love, and to her surprise, Byleth pulls away, even going so far as to gently shove her out of her space.

“Um, sorry, I. I just really want to bathe and rest right now. Sorry,” she says, and Edelgard tries not to let her hurt or surprise show. After all, from what Byleth has described, she’s been through hell, and so it’s understandable that she might want some space, even if it’s uncharacteristic. (Even if they’ve both become people who cling to love more fiercely in the face of hardship, though it was something they both at first barely understood or knew that they were allowed.)

“Yes, of course. I’ll have a servant draw you up a bath at once.”

* * *

By the time that Byleth awakens, it’s properly nighttime. Edelgard is seated at her desk, reading, when she hears Byleth’s voice.

“Edelgard...do you think all of this was worth it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Everything. All that we’ve done so far. It feels like...no matter what we do, the enemy is stronger than us. Outsmarts us at every turn. It just feels...hopeless.”

“I’m not sure what’s gotten into you, my love,” Edelgard says, coming to sit on the bed near her. “We’ve done greater things than this, faced greater foes. This is undoubtedly a setback, but...we’ll figure it out. We’ll find them, we’ll crush them, and then we can finally learn the joys of idling as you’ve promised me.”

“Yeah...I hope so.”

“But anyway, enough about such dour things,” Edelgard says. “I...it is a struggle to put into words how much I’ve missed you.”

“Oh...I’ve missed you too, El. From the bottom of my heart.” Byleth’s tone sounds oddly flat, but Edelgard takes the words themselves as earnest and attributes it to Byleth’s mood.

“I’m so…dearly relieved that you came home to me, safe,” Edelgard says, raising a trembling hand to caress Byleth’s cheek.

...And in that moment, Byleth abruptly, violently, wrenches her hand away.

“Byleth, what—“ Edelgard says, pulling her hand back, heart beating a low terror in her chest. For all that Byleth’s seemed a little off this whole time, she was willing to attribute it to her traumatic experience in the mountains. But something, suddenly, feels...wrong. Terrifyingly, sickeningly wrong, as Byleth looks at her with _revulsion_ in her eyes, a twisted expression she’s never shown to her even when they’d crossed blades in the Holy Tomb all those years ago.

“I...have no interest in being touched by a lowly creature like you. Sorry.”

“You’re not Byleth.”

“Sorry, _Your Majesty_. I wanted to keep up this game a little longer, but I don’t think I could have played along any further without throwing up.”

“So...Byleth is...she’s—“

“Do you want me to tell you how she died?” the creature wearing the shape of Byleth says, a sickly sweet smile on her face as she rises from the bed.

“What is your aim?” Edelgard says in a low hiss, her body trembling with rage, grief, _absolute sorrow_ the depths of which she’s never felt before. “Must you take everything from me?”

“You want to know why I was sent here? To keep you from getting too comfortable, essentially. To remind you of your place in the world, since you seem intent on throwing tantrums.”

“And if I just kill you, right now?” Edelgard says, reaching for the dagger she always keeps close at hand, just in case.”

“Oh? You’ll kill me?” she says with an ugly sneer. “I wonder, can you really bring yourself to kill the woman you love?”

Edelgard clutches the hilt of the dagger more tightly, but she doesn’t move, frozen.

The creature wearing Byleth’s skin laughs, a cruel mockery of the sound Edelgard knows and loves. “As I thought. You are all such weak, frail creatures… If we meet again, I’d be interested in seeing you try to kill me, but until then, goodbye.”

And Edelgard can only watch, still frozen kneeling on the bed, as she leaves, before crumpling over the pillows and screaming into them.

* * *

As soon as she is able to collect herself, Edelgard immediately heads over to Hubert’s office. For once, she is grateful for the abysmal hours he keeps, knowing that he’s still awake and alert when she needs him dearly. “Your majesty?” he says as she enters, no doubt taking in her disheveled appearance, the redness of her eyes.

“Hubert,” she says, trying to keep the trembling currently going through her body out of her voice and mostly succeeding. “Byleth is...Byleth is dead.”

“She’s—”

“They replaced her, Hubert.”

“I see,” Hubert says, and he looks nearly as horrified as she’s ever seen him. “Where is she now?”

“I don’t know. I let her get away,” Edelgard says, eyes downcast. “I don’t know what she has planned, but she has to be somewhere in the capital.”

“We’ll track her down.”

Hubert’s intelligence forces secretly comb through Enbarr that night, with Edelgard and Hubert personally leading the search. They search knowing that it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack, that Those Who Slither have long known the ins and outs of the Adrestian capital as well as any human living there and that the creature they’re looking for has likely long since hidden herself away like the rat she is. But still they search, because it’s all they can do, really. They work mostly in silence, but after a few hours, Edelgard speaks. “Hubert. Do you...do you think that any of this has been worth it?”

“What do you mean, your majesty?”

“We’ve fought so hard, sacrificed so much, and yet...they’re still always a step ahead of us. It’s been over a decade and my uncle can still take everything from us, just like that… What do we even do, when we’re always just playing into his hand, no matter what?”

“We keep moving forward, my lady. That’s all we can do.”

“True…”

* * *

It’s past dawn, after a sleepless night, when they stumble on Ferdinand. “Oh, Edelgard. Hubert. The professor was by earlier...I hadn’t even known she was back, but it was truly good to see her again.”

“She was here?” Hubert says, deftly hiding his shock.

“Yes, she said she was preparing for her address. I was quite surprised to hear about it, since I’ve never known her to be the type for public speaking, but she _is_ a woman of many talents.”

“She’s...doing a public address,” Edelgard says, stunned.

“Oh, you hadn’t heard? That truly is surprising,” Ferdinand says.

After they wrap up their conversation with Ferdinand, they pull away to make their way to the castle balcony. Edelgard’s somewhat shocked that Hubert didn’t tell Ferdinand of Byleth’s death, but she imagines it to be for similar reasons to why she herself didn’t—not a lack of respect, but not wishing to burden him just yet, and not really wanting to discuss it at all.

* * *

When they arrive at the balcony, they find her speech already underway, a sizable crowd gathered on the terrace below, and they curse the fact that this has somehow transpired entirely under their noses. As they get closer, they start to be able to make out her words.

“—but with the help of the people, we were able to prevail against the Church,” the creature disguised as Byleth says. “However...I regret to inform you that we are at war once again. It is a war that, I am afraid to say, we are not going to be able to win, against an enemy we barely can fathom, and—”

Edelgard’s blood runs cold. So this is her plan. Inform the people of her people’s existence, while attempting to sow the seeds of despair in her audience. It’s a move she has no easy counter for, so she runs faster, makes her way onto the balcony.

Moreover, she has to deal with the matter of how it would look for her to fight her own wife, in full view of everyone...but even so, the idea of leaving her to someone else is even more unbearable to her.

“Byleth, or whoever you are. By orders of the Adrestian Emperor, you will cease this at once,” Edelgard says, brandishing her axe, as a low murmur goes out through the audience below.

“This is your answer, then? I see,” she says, drawing her sword. “Is this really wise of you? Crossing blades with your lover, where everyone can see?”

“Shut up,” Edelgard says, slamming into her with her axe, as she raises her sword to parry, taking a quick step back. Edelgard takes another swing, met with another deft block, and the deadly dance continues. The creature she’s fighting isn’t as proficient with a sword as the real Byleth, as her teacher, was, but she is good enough to give Edelgard a challenge; winning ground is slow going, and there’s a few times when her opponent nearly manages to get in a lucky strike.

But for what her opponent has in dexterity, Edelgard makes up for in sheer power, and when her enemy’s posture is just slightly off, her blade _just slightly_ too low, Edelgard’s strike manages to wrench her sword out of her grip.

“Oh... So this is how it is. But I still wonder—can you bring yourself to kill your love? Are you going to kill me? El?” she says, her voice shifting from the mockery of Byleth’s that she had used to taunt Edelgard to a much closer imitation of the real thing.

“Yes, I am,” she says, smoothly bringing her axe down. “I’m sorry. Not to you, but to the real Byleth. Sorry that I couldn’t do this sooner.”

“I see…” the creature says as she falls. “I seem...to have miscalculated…”

When she dies, her features shift—skin changing from the color of light clay to an ashen gray, hair changing from the blue of the ocean to an inky black. A gasp rings out among the people in the audience, barring those who had scattered when the fighting broke out, and Edelgard struggles to gather herself. Her people need her now.

“Citizens, as you can see, that was not your empress,” she says, keeping her tone as level as she can under the circumstances. “The actual Byleth...is dead,” she forces herself to continue, as another murmur rises up from the audience. “Slain by the creatures who stole her appearance, impersonated her.

“There are creatures in this world,” she goes on, “who take on a human visage and attempt to control us. But we shall not allow ourselves to be controlled by them! We will rise up against them, and we...we will avenge the ones who they have taken from us.”

* * *

When it’s over, Edelgard stands alone with Hubert in an empty storeroom, the closest place they were able to secure some privacy. Edelgard feels her body slump, exhaustion seeping in to her very bones, as her fingers dig crescent moons into her palms.She feels the tears start to fall, and once the floodgates open she finds to her horror she cannot stop; she swallows down the lump in her throat and says, her voice a broken and cracked thing, as weak as she herself feels, “Hubert. You were right.”

“What was I right about, Your Majesty?” he says, turning his head away slightly to allow her what dignity he can.

“That I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be close to anyone. That it was a weakness, a vulnerability, that I could not afford. You were right, and now look where we are. If I hadn’t allowed myself to become close to Byleth, to _love her_ , then—“

“Your love was a thing of beauty, Lady Edelgard, and losing the professor is…a true tragedy. You are allowed to feel.”

“...Thank you,” Edelgard says, and she stops trying to fight the tears. She leans into Hubert’s shoulder, and she weeps for the love that she has lost.

**Author's Note:**

> so. i had this idea months ago, and i've been excited about it ever since, but i was stuck at about 100 words for ages
> 
> the actual plot and a few of the scenes - the reveal, edelgard and not-byleth's fight, the scene with hubert at the end - have been basically set in stone since late october, but the rest was a struggle until i scrapped what i'd already written and started over on christmas eve. i had a burst of motivation after that, and...here we are.
> 
> in all the time i was excited over this fic, i basically only told one person, a friend who hasn't played the game, to keep the premise a surprise. so i'm deeply excited to actually post it, and also. i'm sorry lol
> 
> i do have a sequel to "if this body's a temple" in progress that's. way lighter-hearted than this was, so hopefully that will make up for it a little bit


End file.
